Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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