her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
