I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
