the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
