I just made out with a guy for $7.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
