my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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