the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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