So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
