There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
