90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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