I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
