9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
