so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
