You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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