kristin has been a bad kristin
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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