So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
