does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
