I got chris browned last night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
