Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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