We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
