I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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