Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
