I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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