I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
