Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
