dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
