You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
