We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
