Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
