It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
