trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
