I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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