3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
