I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
