i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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