From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
