____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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