What did we do last night that was yellow?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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