Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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