Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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