My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
