he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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