can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
