he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
