im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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