You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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