How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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