I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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