Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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