bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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